If you unfocus your eyes this page becomes a 3d image of a blurry 2d page

I’ll concede that Barney plays well with children only if you admit that, in general, it’s a bad idea to teach your kids to play with dinosaurs.

People probably wouldn’t hate you as much if you were prettier.

It’s not that I think you’re boring or anything, it’s just that your personality was designed by a minimalist.

Should we be more worried of the mall Santa, a fat, dirty old man who chooses a profession that consists primarily of having young children sit on his lap, or of the huge line of young children wanting to sit on the lap of a fat, dirty old man?

Merry Christmas everyone.  All Jesus wants is to raise the roof.

Listen.  Just because he’s a dog and likes peanut butter doesn’t excuse the fact that I was molested by him.

Although I appreciate the irony, I really wish I hadn’t misplaced my “Improving Your Memory” book.

I dated this gal that was pro-life until I was able to convince her that an abortion was really just God adopting the baby.

The most successful people I know wear their failures alongside their achievements.

I’m sorry that I excused myself so abruptly for a smoke break.  It’s not that I really needed one, I was just tired of hearing about your fucking cat.

Also this.

Ideally, we are born confused and die amazed.