Archive for the ‘Random Unnecessaries’ Category
Should we be more worried of the mall Santa, a fat, dirty old man who chooses a profession that consists primarily of having young children sit on his lap, or of the huge line of young children wanting to sit on the lap of a fat, dirty old man?
Merry Christmas everyone. All Jesus wants is to raise the roof.
Listen. Just because he’s a dog and likes peanut butter doesn’t excuse the fact that I was molested by him.
Although I appreciate the irony, I really wish I hadn’t misplaced my “Improving Your Memory” book.
I dated this gal that was pro-life until I was able to convince her that an abortion was really just God adopting the baby.
I’m sorry that I excused myself so abruptly for a smoke break. It’s not that I really needed one, I was just tired of hearing about your fucking cat.
Also this.
The worst part about making love is the prison guard likes to watch.
If I had a dime for every time you let me down, I would melt them into a spike and stab you with it.
What do you mean hipsters are psuedo-intellectual pricks that find any deviation from their subculture conformist and sheep-like? It’s just that all us free-thinking geniuses like the exact same stuff.
I inadvertently ruled out that my water heater is broken due to a gas leak by investigating it with a lighter.